31 Comforting Things I Wish Someone Told Me After My Divorce

Divorce is often painful but it doesn’t have to be that way.

Sitting on the terrace of my favorite coffee shop, enjoying the sun and my life … Simply happy.

A little over five years ago, my husband of twenty years told me he was leaving, and I felt like my heart was exploding in million pieces. My life changed from one minute to the next: my dreams vanished, my sense of safety gone, my mind entering panic zone and this terrible dread filling my lungs and my stomach was just the beginning.

In the weeks that followed, I wanted to die and everyone had an insight for me about what was next. Some advices were good, some bad and some simply hurtful.

“It usually takes half of the time you were together to get over it.”

“Usually you need five years to rebuild your life.”

“Two years in therapy and anti-depressants and weekly visits,” declared a psychologist. “One lost Ten found,” said a woman seeing me crying my eyes off. I wanted to slap her at the time.

Today, enjoying this moment of bliss I look back at this 44-year-old woman and here is what I would like to say to her:

1. “Different is not bad.” You are going to be fine. It will never ever be the same again and I know it’s terrifying. But different doesn’t mean bad. Different means different and, even though it’s scary right now, different can be amazing.
2. “You are alive, so breathe.” You are going to be able to breathe again. This pain you feel in your chest, your heart that seems to be shattered in pieces, it’s actually a sign that you are alive. You can feel. You have the right to feel but those feelings won’t have to destroy you.
3. “It won’t be like that forever.” It will take the time it will take for you to feel better. Ten, five, two years are you kidding me? I worked on myself and my emotion. It became my mission to recover as quickly as possible. It took me 3 months to be back on my feet and smile again, less than a year to rebuild my life. It will take the time it will take you. There is no rule. But one thing is sure it doesn’t have to ruin your life forever.
4. “You will have good days and bad days and it’s okay.” I imagined feeling miserable until I would feel better but in fact the recovery wasn’t linear. I felt way better quickly. Then I hit a plateau and then went better again. One thing that is sure is that if you are not afraid of the bad days, they don’t last. They just come and go.
5. “Your time will feel totally distorted.” The first few weeks felt like they were lasting years. Surviving for another minute felt like a challenge and then things would accelerate for no apparent reason. Enjoy each moment. The hard ones will pass and will show you they don’t last forever. The good ones will come more and more; cherish them.
6. “You don’t have to do this alone.” Reach for your friends. Reach to your family. Post on Facebook and get help from perfect strangers. There are so many people who are willing to help. Accept their offer.
7. “Get professional help.” I understand spending money in these uncertain times is an extra stress factor, but right now is the time to invest what you can in yourself even if it means borrowing from friends and family. You need to get some emotional, financial and legal support. You don’t know what you don’t know, you might save money in the long run by getting the appropriate support.
8. “Your kids will be fine.” As long as you’re okay, your kids will be okay. So many women focus on their kids and their well-being but never take care of themselves. Actually, you need to put your oxygen mask on first in order to be there for your kids
9. “You will probably lose a lot of weight or gain some.” Somehow your stomach is messing up with you. Either you can’t eat at all or you eat like crazy. I lost 25 pounds in three weeks and it was scary to see how fast my weight was dropping. I usually have a tendency to carry a few extra pounds. But there’s this thing we call “the divorce diet”. Don’t worry, your system will adjust.
10. “You are beautiful.” Right now, you feel miserable and ugly but it’s not the truth. You are beautiful, you are amazing, you are worthy, and you are capable of climbing this mountain.
11. “You will find love again.” Maybe not right now. It will come when you want it and when you’re ready. One lost Ten found? Actually, it was one lost and so many more than ten found. It was good for my self-esteem to know that I could be desired again. And then one day I discovered that I loved myself and that’s when real magic happens.
12. “Fear is normal.” You may spend sleepless nights and smell the stinky scent of fear on your clothes. I remember those moments of pure terror about the future. It’s normal. Fear is like a wave that comes and engulfs your whole universe, but then it recedes. When you have to swim in the ocean in the middle of a storm, fighting the waves is exhausting. Sometimes you just have to let the water carry you.
13. “There is no bad emotion.” One moment you will be sad, the next angry, the next hopeful and so on and so forth. Every emotion is short lived unless you resist it. Don’t punish yourself for feeling the way you feel. You have the right to every single one of your feelings.
14. “Don’t hide from yourself.” A normal reaction is to try to calm down by ignoring your emotions. You may want to hyper focus on something else like your work, your kids or numb the pain with alcohol. Actually, you will be better off having a good cry and then moving on. I remember screaming at the top of my lungs in my car. After that I was feeling way better and ready to go.
15. “Find nuggets of joy.” Focus on anything that makes you happy. Notice a flower in a beautiful garden or in the middle of a concrete pathway. Go dancing even when you don’t really feel like it.
16. “Be gentle with yourself.” You are hurting. Emotional hurt hurts, physically hurts. Your body doesn’t really know the difference. So please, be gentle with yourself. Don’t blame yourself.
17. “Celebrate little victories.” At this point, every little victory should be enjoyed and celebrated. I remember carrying with me a tiny notebook and every time I did something that made me smile or proud I wrote it down. I have written things like: I was able to carry a heavy box on my own, I ate at a restaurant by myself.
18. “Things that were obvious might seem more difficult.” I have been traveling by myself forever. Surprisingly it was more challenging after the breakup. This will pass. You’re extra sensitive that’s all.
19. “Achieve one thing every day.” It’s easy and quite tempting to stay in bed and do nothing. Decide on at least one and a maximum of five things to put on your list daily and do them. Choose simple tasks. It can be as simple as get showered and dressed.
20. “Stick to the facts.” This was actually a tip shared with me by one of my best friends as I was trying to understand the why of my divorce. Trying to read between the lines won’t help you. The only thing you know are the facts. Stick to those, things are confusing enough as is without you creating scenarios in your head.
21. “Take care of your body.” Exercise, eat healthy, drink water and no alcohol or coffee, get a massage. Your body is under a lot of stress. Respect the fact that you may need some extra self-care. Even though you might be craving comfort food, this is the time you want to stay away from sweets and processed food.
22. “Every song is a time bomb waiting to explode.” There a chance you will cry listening to music basically anywhere. Somehow, music as a way to speak directly to your heart and make you feel your feelings. It’s normal. This will. Just remember to stop your car before bawling or be extra careful about what you are listening to for a while.
23. “Don’t be scared of feeling better.” I felt really better within 9 weeks. Everyone was astonished. Some of my “friends” told me to expect a relapse. It NEVER happened. Of course, there were ups and down, but it was never as bad as it was in those first weeks. Why? Because I did what I had to do to feel better. People were telling me to be cautious because of their own fear. It will take you the time you need to recover and if you feel better, celebrate it instead of worrying.
24. “Get rid of those who don’t support you.” You don’t have time nor energy for negative people. If someone is not bringing you joy or support, you don’t need them in your life. My mom was unfortunately one of those and I had to ask her to be more positive or at least to give me some space until I felt better. We still love each other today.
25. “Some of your old friends might disappoint you.” Unfortunately, people react with their own perception of things and some old friends were not supportive or even turned their backs on me. It’s fine. For each of those, another amazing new person popped into my life. You will manifest your fabulous new tribe.
26. “It’s not in your brain.” No matter what others say, it’s not in your brain. The anxiety, the heartbreak, the gut wrenching fear are in your body. You can’t use only logic to change those. You need to work on them on the somatic level and move the stress energy away to be able to move on.
27. “Talk to yourself.” Have a conversation with yourself. Acknowledge your feelings, journal what you’re experiencing, talk to your reflection in the mirror. For the next few months, you will have to be your best friend. Be there for you.
28. “Track your progress.” Healing is not linear. It’s easy to lose track of the ups and down. It’s important to recognize that even though you may experience some setbacks you are going in the right direction.
29. “Let go of what cannot be changed.” If you can’t change the situation, let it go. The faster you let go, the faster you can rebuild your life.
30. “This is the time to reinvent yourself.” You may have held onto this relationship for dear life for quite a while. If so, it required a lot of energy. Now, there is nothing to lose anymore, time to rebuild yourself and since you’re rebuilding from the ground up you may as well be the best you possible.
31. “Smile.” You may want to cry but smile anyway. It’s hard, I know. But smile anyway. Every single smile will bring you closer to being happy again.

It didn’t take me years to get over my divorce. In fact, it only took me:

• 31 days to breathe again.
• 9 weeks to be fully back on my feet.
• 24 months to rebuild my life and become a certified relationship coach/hypnotherapist/happiness specialist.
• 5 years to create Heartbreak 911, a program designed so no one would have to go through those first days on their own.

May you be blessed by an unlimited amount of joy and a lifetime of happiness.

Fabienne Slama is the founder of FabYOUlicious, an Emotional Healing Hypnotherapy and Relationship Coaching service focusing on helping women regain self-confidence. Interested in joining her Heartbreak 911 Program? Find more details on her website or email fab@fabyoulicious.com.