Choose Joy!!!
Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. -Buddha
I know, it’s a difficult statement to accept, especially when you feel that your heart is shattered in a million pieces.
When I failed entering Med School by only one point after studying nonstop for two years, I thought my life was destroyed and I let disappointment ruin my self-esteem for years. I kept chasing diplomas, barely appreciating receiving a MS in biochemistry, a Doctorate in Genetics and then a MA in Communication.
No matter the success, I stayed a failure in my eyes for decades. I stayed Stuck!!! What a loss of time and energy!
Years later, I had a conversation with the most positive person I’ve ever met: my mother-in-law. Her life had been painful in many respects including the loss of two of her children. Still, she always smiled. When I asked how she could stay happy, she said:
“Being sad will not bring them back. I miss them every time I open my eyes, I feel terribly sad… and then I smile and celebrate the new day to come. It’s a choice and a daily recommitment to Joy.”
She was a special woman and shared with me the most powerful lesson I ever received.
When faced with a stressful event, our brain will naturally go back to its most ancestral survival response: sadness, anger, running away… Any change, any challenge big or small will naturally send you back to a response designed to keep you safe. Therefore, the fight, flight, freeze, fawn, response actually applies to more than traumatic events.
Every day our brain energy fluctuates between six levels:
· Level 1: Victimhood. I lose. Why is this happening TO me?
· Level 2: Anger. You lose, you hurt me.
· Level 3: Resilience.
I win and I will save myself no matter what.
· Level 4: Compassion, Forgiveness . I care about you and forgive you.
· Level 5: Peace. How can we create a win-win?
· Level 6: Joy. How is what I’m experiencing happening FOR me? And how can I grow from it?
(Excerpt from Suck to Unstoppable)
Be kind to yourself
Level 1 can be felt like paralysis. Never tell someone who is depressed to get over it. If they could, they would. If fact, give them (or you) the time to feel sad and depressed. At the same time, look for solutions. I promise you there are ways to get unstuck.
Every level can be useful
When my husband of twenty years announced he wanted a divorce, I experienced all those stages from paralysis, to rage, to depression and back to finding the silver lining. But when everyone, from friend to therapist, told me it would take me two to three years to recover from the trauma of it, I used my level 2 and fought back. I decided that I will not stay sad one minute more than necessary. Three months later, I was back on my feet.
Pain is inevitable. Whatever the cause is. Whatever the perceived gravity of it.
The recent Covid pandemic was such an example of that. Even for those of us who didn’t lose someone the last year has been difficult. Loss of a job, inability to celebrate a happy event, fear for our health, perceived loss of freedom… Never judge the pain of someone as being important or not. Never dismiss your own pain. Level 1 feels terrible, no matter what.
Healing is not a straight line
In the past year, we, as a society, went through all those levels. Some of us started at one and went up from there. Most of us experienced many levels at once, fluctuating from one to the other in the same day, sometimes the same hour. As long as the overall perceived feeling is “better”, it’s a celebration.
The problem is not pain. Suffering is what keeps you Stuck
Pain is part of life. The same way Joy is. Suffering depends on how long you stay in level 1 or 2. If you bounce back easily and manage to find happiness in the tiniest things, if you chose positivity day after day, good for you; Your resilience will make you unstoppable.
Change feels like danger
When my boyfriend decided to move in with me, I was thrown out for a loop. Not because it was a bad thing, but because it’s natural for our brain to register change as an aggression. Actually, the only thing that is scarier to us than pain is change. It is an ancestral response to the unknown. In times of change, our brain takes us back to safety which is mostly level 3. How can I save myself? That perceived safety can include staying in a toxic situation or running away from one that is actually okay.
Curiosity will always be your ally
When you experience something that feels painful, be curious about it. Is it my pain or the one of someone else? Can I do something about it? What am I learning from it? Curiosity is part of the level 4 of compassion. Compassion for yourself, others, and the situation. By staying curious, you will remove the blocks linked to fear and keep the momentum going.
Compromise creates peace
Perfectionism is such an illusion. Each time I try to get all my ducks in a row, there is one escaping me. What I mean by that is happiness doesn’t come from having everything go well in your life at every moment. Happiness come celebrating what you have and learning when you are faced with challenges.
Joy is a daily choice
Every morning is the start of a new day. Every second is the start of a new possibility. You are at choice: Pain or Joy? Fear or Love? Stuck or Unstoppable? You get to choose over and over again. Take the time to acknowledge what you are feeling and after some time you will notice a little light even in the middle of your darkest day. Walk toward it. It will grow bigger and bigger until one day you will notice that sparkly feeling in your heart: Joy.
Order your copy of Stuck to Unstoppable. Shining Your Light in Challenging Times and Beyond today. Need help getting Unstuck, reach out to me and let’s talk.
