On Resilience, Confidence and Moving Forward: 7 Lessons I Learned in The Unknown
As I’m writing this article, the planet is in the fight of a lifetime against a silent, invisible and deadly enemy called COVID-19. Like many of us, I am scared. Scared for my family. My son who works as a paramedic and his pregnant wife. My Mom, who suffers from dementia and doesn’t understand why nobody comes to visit her. Scared for all my loved ones here in the United States, in Europe and the rest of the world.
I’m scared of the Unknown: What’s next? Will I get sick? Will someone I know? Will I lose my health, my money, my freedom, my lifestyle? Will life ever be the same after the pandemic? Do I want life to be the same?
Yes, I’m scared and, in so many ways I’m not. I’ve made peace with this space called the Unknown and I’ve learned to navigate the ups and downs of it. At some level, I even enjoy it and the opportunity for growth it offers. I started this journey almost ten years ago.
In 2012, my husband of twenty years told me from one day to the next he wanted a divorce. Life as I knew it disappeared abruptly. I was propelled from stability: a husband, two kids, a nice house, to uncertainty: no income and two kids to raise mostly on my own. My first reaction was one of panic, sadness and I considered taking my life until I heard this inner voice reassuring me: I could survive this. I just needed to move forward. To where was not so important. What was important was to accept the change and step into the Unknown.
A couple of weeks after my husband left, I reached out for help, and with the support of my very first coach I got back on my feet within three months. Three months to recover from a twenty-year marriage: Pretty good. After that time, I was able to breathe again, smile again, enjoy life. Within one year, I became a coach and hypnotherapist. I wrote my first book Renaissance Woman and created my company FabYOUlicious. I grew it from nothing to six figures in less than three years. Since then I have guided over one thousand brave women and men to find their inner resilience, let go of the past, the stress, the doubt and to move forward confidently in the Unknown toward who they are meant to be.
There are moments in life when we know we must evolve. This pandemic time is one of those. The whole planet is changing: our life is turned upside down. We might want to put our head in the sand but what is going on can’t be ignored for long.
At a personal level, what is this situation you know you should change? Are you in a toxic relationship? Staying In a job you hate? Struggling in a body you dislike? Have you found your inner strength yet or do you feel stuck? What are you avoiding that you should look at? The only way out of the hurt is through it. Avoidance doesn’t make pain disappear; it just hides it. Stress, anxiety, sadness, anger will come out one way or another. So, don’t delay, let go of this shore called “Safety”. I’ve done it and so can you. Once you let go, you will enter the Unknown. And as scary as it seems, the Unknown taught me these seven wonderful lessons I want to share with you.
1. What feels true is not always the Truth
I thought things should be a certain way, happen a certain way, but it was not the case. As you may have read in my article On Shame, Guilt and Letting Go: 7 Lessons I Learned Being the Other Woman, I learned that lesson the hard way. The only constant is change. Look at the pandemic situation: our illusion of safety disappeared from one day to the next. Whatever certainties you may have today might reveal themselves as illusion tomorrow. Life is not black or white. It’s made of an array of grays. Each of those grays is an opportunity to learn. Things don’t have to be one way or another; things just are. You just have to adapt and flow with them. Your interpretation of facts is biased by your experiences, so it’s essential to ask yourself this question when you get lost:
What I experience may feel true but is it The Truth?
2. Be kind to yourself
We are all going through ups and downs in life. One moment we are happy and the next, miserable, and sometimes a mix of both. Whatever you feel: from Stuck to Unstoppable, from Hiding to Confident, from Terrified to Peaceful — start with kindness. Whether you lost a loved one to divorce or death, were passed over for a promotion at work or feel unfulfilled in a situation you can’t change, it’s important to acknowledge the part of you that is hurting and accept to feel the way you feel. Any other way would be experienced by your subconscious as a slap on the face. Once you acknowledge your feelings, you will move through the emotions way faster than by ignoring them.
The way through pain is not around it, it’s through it.
3. Focus on what you have
I know gratitude is cliché, but what I am relearning in these times of pandemic and shelter-in-place is that there is beauty even in the most painful moments. What is bringing joy in your life today? The sun that comes back day after day. The fun of having kids playing around or the calmness of being alone. A project or a mission you focus on. Whatever brings a smile on your lips, follow it. Avoid negative talk, especially self-criticism. It doesn’t serve you.
Positivity attracts positivity. Find at least one thing to be grateful for in the morning and the evening.
4. You have a choice
You may not feel like so, but you do. One of my clients, who works as a masseuse, called me last week suffering from anxiety. Her choice felt to be between working, ignoring the shelter-in-place directive and putting her health in danger, or staying home and struggling financially. In fact, the real choice was: since she couldn’t work, would she stay in bed worried or would she find a way to bounce back? Within days, she started preselling massage sessions for after the pandemic, redesigned her website, offered videos to her clients on how to take care of their bodies from home. She will emerge from this pandemic stronger than ever.
Even if the choice is not always obvious, possibilities come your way once you open yourself to them.
5. You need to make this jump so do it!
Before my divorce my situation was not all rosy: our marriage was not the best, I felt unfulfilled professionally since I had left my job as a biochemist to raise our kids, I had injured my back and couldn’t walk or even sit for extended periods of time. I felt stuck but I would not risk that illusion of control. Once the ground disappeared from under my feet I had to react, but it was not easy. I didn’t jump, I fell elegantly (or not) until I could discover my wings again and fly.
You might be tempted to stay in an uncomfortable situation hoping for it to change on its own. But if you feel stuck in an unhappy relationship, in a job where you feel mistreated, or in a situation you don’t like, you may have to be the one making the change. It is scary but once you let go of the “safety shore”, you will find your way toward reinventing yourself and finding success.
Women are strong and resilient, they can step up and step into their power, they can change themselves and change the world. Check with your intuition and once you jump, don’t be afraid.
6. The journey is not a straight line, it’s a spiral. Be patient.
The first layer of recovery took me three months. Then finding my power and writing my first book while becoming a coach, was for the next year. Creating my company and making it successful was another three years. At the personal level, I went from heartbroken, to dating, to in love, to heartbroken, to dating, to in love… and it is not always easy. But each time I go through a level in that spiral, I learn a little bit more about myself and how to move forward and around at the same time. Each of those levels taught me a new lesson and after a while I started to accept that resilience acts like Nature. It has a Spring of growth, a Summer of joy, a Fall of abundance, a Winter of darkness and the next Spring flowers grow on branches that seemed dead just a few weeks before.
From stuck to resilience, to self-acceptance, to confidence, to excitement. Layers after layers, this is a journey. Enjoy it!
7. Find your Inner light and share it
There is no light at the end of the tunnel. No money, no relationship, no job, nothing or no one can make you happy if you are not happy with yourself. Find the light inside of you. It is the voice of your inner wisdom. It is that part of you that has accepted you the way you are, imperfectly perfect. This light is there to be turned on and illuminate even the darkest places. It will allow you to find the way. There is no light at the end of the tunnel and we each have our own inner light. Look for that light in your friends, your neighbors, your next relationships. Let’s find one another and share more love, more joy, more healing. Start within you and the light will shine from you. Connect with yourself and help the one around you to change just with a smile, an act of kindness or words of appreciation.
Illuminate the world, one inner light at a time. With your help, the Unknown will be brilliant.
With love,
Fab
