Your lack of confidence hurts others too
Being selfish and assertive can actually be an act of love to you and your surrounding.
If, like me, you have been the people pleaser for many years, let me remind you, being the overly kind one can also be a form of narcissism or at least egotism.
Your ego should be balanced:
- Too high: You believe you’re the best, have this sense of self-importance and put down others with conscious or unconscious intention of always being the best.
- Too low: You believe you’re weak to the point of victimhood, feel broken, and ask others to always take the lead and reassure you.
Of course our sense of self fluctuates all the time, depending on our environment, the situation and who we are with. But it should overall reach some kind of equilibrium.
For many years, I saw my lack of self-esteem as humility and kindness. I attracted my fair share of selfish, egotistic, and plain narcissistic relationships. The person I was with romantically or professionally would be in charge and call the shots. Most of the time they would make me think I had free will and even that I controlled the situation. If the results were good, they would take credit, but if something went wrong, the criticism and gaslighting started, and I would feel hurt. Over time, I didn’t know anymore who I was, or what I had done or not. No matter what, I would blame myself and feel guilty for whatever happened or didn’t happen.
As I worked on my confidence, I discovered that I actually was pretty smart and resilient, able to make decisions and deal with the consequences. I first became somehow selfish, maybe because I needed to experience that part of the equation. I would reject other’s suggestions and would do everything on my own. I needed to be in charge. It felt good at first, but after a few years, I felt my sense of importance subside, and I realized that being a leader was not as easy as I first imagined. It can actually be exhausting, especially if you attract someone with lower self-esteem in your life. Being self-confident has been such a discovery and there is good and bad about it.
- The good: I know I can do anything I put my mind into. I can decide, define, organize, operate, act, and push forward any project. I can inspire others, reassure them, guide them, and take them to the next level. In my professional life, I know perfectly that I’m not doing anything but actually helping my clients do what they were capable of doing all the time, making me less a manager and more a cheerleader.
- The bad is more in my personal life, with the people I love. I take charge to the point of exhaustion. I carry the load of the person I’m with, whether it’s a friend, a family member, or a romantic relationship. Over time, I resent them and their lack of self-drive. I feel have to reassure them, to do everything and make them think they’ve done something. If I ask them to take initiative, I still feel I’m the one in charge since I asked them to do this or that.
Being a pleaser to the point of losing yourself is not helping anybody. Not you, not others. In fact, your lack self-esteem is hurting you AND the people you are with.
- You ask others to take charge.
Quite often parents with low ego end up being parented with their own children. The child is there to listen, please, reassure the parent that they are loved instead of being taken care of and cared for by the adult.
- You need to be praised or reassured
I don’t want to praise anyone that I’m not proud of. I can praise my three-year-old for putting his shoes on by himself, but don’t feel the need to reassure an adult participating in the daily life at home or at work that they’re doing enough.
- Even strong independent people need a break
Things need to be done and if the people around me don’t do them, I will do them. But I too am human, and I need to rest once in a while. Find a balance and in any relationship try to alternate who is in charge depending on their skill level and desire.
- You create stagnation
If you never voice or share your concerns and I will either do it all the time and feel like I’m complaining, or I will stop talking and stay silent. After some time, this status quo will become lack of communication and silence will be a form of avoidance. Bringing up problems or voicing your needs, in a kind and respectful way of course, is necessary for any relationship to evolve.
- Being passive can be a form of gaslighting
Unconsciously or consciously, the passive one manipulates the people around them to step up in a way they might not be comfortable with or not willing to do all the time.
I was lacking self-esteem for many years and thought the only person who I was hurting in the process was me and my ability to achieve my dreams. Today, I realize that as I felt I was the victim, I was actually causing pain around me and challenges for the ones who loved me.
Humility, kindness, and gentleness need to be balanced by other qualities like grit, clarity, and drive. This is exactly why there is no good or bad emotion. Life is a balancing act, a place where sadness and anger, grief and bliss, shame and pride coexist. Be confident in a respectful way. Your loved ones will thank you for it.
